Paul goes to Candy Mountain
by L'il Miss Yuki
Summary: It's a peaceful day for Paul, our favorite Trainer we love to hate until Ash and Dawn pull him along to an adventure to 'Candy Mountain' A fic based on the greatest unicorn-based comedy out there. -Oneshot-


**Yuki:…Crack. That is all.**

**I've got nothing against Ash and Dawn.**

**Disclaimer: I do not own Pokemon. And I definitely do NOT own the greatest unicorn based comedy ever: Charlie the Unicorn goes to Candy Mountain. Charlie the Unicorn belongs to Jason Steele.**

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It was a peaceful day in a green meadow far away as Paul kept wasting his time by doing his favorite thing: sleeping. The sky was a beautiful azure and the Starly were happily chirping the days gone by.

All that flew out the window as Dawn and Ash skipped into the meadow.

"Hey! Paul! Hey Paul, wake up!" Ash sang, in a voice that suggested that his IQ was in the negatives.

"Yeah Paul! You silly sleepyhead! Wake up!" Dawn echoed in the exact same voice.

Paul groaned as he sat up on the green grass. "Oh man, you guys. This better be pretty freakin' important. Is the Poke center on fire?" He asked, still a bit groggy from his nap.

Ash seemed to ignore the angry glare Paul sent his way. "No Paul! We found a map! To Candy Mountain! Candy Mountain, Paul!"

Dawn skipped around Ash in an extremely way-too-happy…way. "Yeah Paul! We're going to Candy mountain! Come with us Paul!"

Ash joined Dawn in her skippiness** (1)**, both of them now prancing around Paul, who was still on the ground.

"Yeah Paul! It'll be an adventure! We're going on an adventure, Paul!" Ash chanted, Dawn throwing flower petals over him.

Paul stared at them in silence for a few moments before answering back. "Yeah, Candy Mountain, right. I'm just going to, you know , go back to sleep now."

He dropped back onto the ground, ready to go back to his dreams of… I don't know…

Not taking no for an answer, Ash flipped to the air a few times before landing on Paul's back. He started to bounce up and down, leaving Paul in extreme pain.

"Noooo! Paul! You have to come with us to Candy Mountain!"

Dawn started to mimic Ash, bouncing up and down on the ground. _Oh, why didn't she wear a longer skirt?_ Paul thought to himself.

"Yeah! Paul, Candy Mountain! It's a land of sweets, and joy, and… joyness."

Paul felt like smacking himself in the forehead after what Dawn said. I mean, joyness?

Feeling Ash land on his back one more time, Paul groaned in pain, wondering why his spine hasn't snapped yet. "Please stop bouncing on me."

Ash didn't appear to hear Paul. "Candy Mountain Paul!!"

"Yeah! Candy Mountain!"

That was it. Paul had enough. His head sank with defeat. "Fine! I'll go with you to Candy Mountain!"

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Paul was starting to regret his decision to tag along with this 'Candy Mountain Adventure' as Ash and Dawn skipped on the path in front of him, singing completely off-tune.

"LA LA LAAAA LAAA LAAAL LA ALAAA!!"

Paul covered his ears, the –should it really be called a song?- noise still stuck in his head. "Enough with the singing already!"

Bumping into a stopped Ash, Paul noted how he was jumping up and down like a hyper kid on sugar. Dawn was doing the exact same thing, making him wonder if was only him that was sane in the whole world. Or at least, wherever he lived.

"Our first stop is over there Paul!"

Paul looked to where Ash was randomly pointing, his eyes widening at the sight.

Oh God.

It was the largest, most obese, Aerodactyl he had ever seen in his entire life. I mean, did you see the drool falling from its…jaws?

"Oh man, what the heck is that?!"

Dawn piped up. "It's a Aerodactyl, Paul!"

"A _magical_ Aerodactyl!"

"It's gonna guide our way to Candy Mountain!"

Paul slapped his forehead. Seriously, how stupid could the two get? The Aerodactyl was bigger than any of them, it was fast, and it happened to have really big and sharp teeth that could bite into them at any moment! He was seriously wondering if he was thinking all right when he agreed to the trip. Did Candy Mountain even exist?! Probably not.

"Alright you sugar-crazy duo, you do know that there is no actual candy Mountain, right? That it's all in your head?"

All of a sudden, Ash turned around like he had been in front of a crazy Gyarados, and pointed a finger at Paul's face, letting it continued to move around with the shock of being moved so quickly.

"SHUN THE NON-BELIEVER!"

Dawn started screaming in the background. "SHUUUUUNNNN!"

"Shuuuunnnnn….-nah."

He groaned. "Yeah. Right."

All of a sudden-surprise, surprise- the Aerodactyl started making weird noises that made it sound like it was dying a slow and painful death. It just kept going and going for 3 more seconds, before shutting up like the quiet trainers beside him.

However, the only thing that Paul had noticed was how the big jaws and the teeth moved up and down, like chomping down on an invisible body. With no blood and guts and gore.

After a while, Ash started jumping up and down, giddy in his ecstasy.

"It has spoken!" He squealed.

Dawn just started jumping again with Ash. "It has told us the way!"

Paul just groaned. "It didn't say anything!"

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Paul seriously wondered what the heck he had done to deserve what he was going through. Right now, he was on a swinging, dangerously hanging bridge across a canyon, with two idiotic trainers who just wanted to visit somewhere called 'Candy Mountain'.

Yes, he was screwed. Screwed as in…a screwball.

Ash looked back from the front of the trio, pointing to a small hill in front of the bridge, with a mountain at the foot of it. "It's just over this bridge Charlie!"

"This magical bridge of hope and wonder!!"

Paul scowled as he looked down, immediately looking back up again. For some unknown reason, looking down from a hundred-meter hanging bridge in a canyon wasn't something he desperately wanted to do.

He held up a shaking finger and poked Dawn's shoulder. "Umm, is anyone else getting covered in splinters?" Hearing no answer, he continued. "Seriously guys, we shouldn't be on this thing. You could actually lose all your brain cells if you do, which won't be much lost."

Immediately, Ash turned his head around so he face Paul straight in the eye. It was silent for a while, like a cowboy showdown. And it all got ruined when Ash started screaming. It also didn't help that Ash's voice echoing off the canyon walls.

"PAULLLLLLLLLLLLLLL, PAUUUUUUUUUULLLLLLLLL, PAULLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLL, PAAAAAAAAUUUUUUUUUUULLLLLL…."

Paul started groaning and clamped his hands on his ears again, his mouth formed into an unheard scream of terror. "I'm right here, what do you want?!"

Ash just gave the Trainer a blank ,happy stare. "We're on a bridge Paul!"

Said Trainer just groaned.

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It had been a few minutes after the bridge incident, and now Paul's feet were killing him. He could have swore he heard them screaming in pain, but that would just show that he was turning insane. Which was the two idiots in front of him were turning into, not him.

All of a sudden -wow, I like saying that-, Ash stopped, causing Dawn to stop beside him and Paul to stop a foot's distance from the back of Ash's head.

"We're here!!"

Looking up from the ground-and his feet-, Paul's jaw immediately dropped to the ground as he stared in front of him.

Who knew a 50 foot tall mountain of chocolate with a hole in the middle actually existed in the middle of nowhere?

He whistled. "Well, what do you know? There actually is a Candy Mountain."

Ash just started jumping up and down...again. "Candy Mountain! Candy Mountain! You fill me with sugary goodness!"

Dawn started jumping with him. "Go inside the Candy Mountain Cave Paul!"

"Yeah Paul! Go inside the cave!"

Paul's left eye just started twitching as he silently backed away. "Yeah….err…Thank, but no thanks, I'm gonna just stay out here." He was three feet away from the two idiots now.

Dawn decided to turn around and face Paul, a weird, psychotic look on her face. "But you have to enter the Candy Mountain Candy Cave Paul!"

Immediately-as if it was on cue- 5 Unown spelling out the word 'Candy' popped up from the giant mountain of Candy, standing in front of the trio and looking at Paul only.

"HOLY MOTHERFKING SHT WHERE'D THEY FKING COME FROM?!"

Suddenly, the 'Y' Unown started singing while the rest burst into spontaneous dance.

"_Oh, when you're down and looking for some cheering up, _

then just head right on up to the candy mountain cave.

When you get inside you'll find yourself a cheery land,

such a happy and joy filled and perky merry land.

They've got lollypops and gummydrops and candy things,

Oh, so many things that will brighten up your day.

It's impossible to wear a frown in candy town.

_It's a mecca of love the candy cave."  
_

"You've got jellybeans and coconuts with little hats,

candy rats, chocolate bats, it's a wonderland of sweets.

Ride the candy train to town and hear the candy band,

candy bells, it's a treat as they march across the land.

Cherry ribbons stream accross the sky into the ground.

Yurn around, it astounds! it's a dancing candy tree.

In the candy cave, imagination runs so free

So now, Paul, please will you go into the cave?" 

And at the end of it, 'Y' jumped into the jumble of mini-alphabits, and they all exploded into a colorful burst of smoke, dust, and candy debris. The end. No, not really.

Paul just screamed his little lungs out. "Alright, fine! I'll go into the freakin' Candy Cave! This better be good! AND WORTH IT!" He yelled, walking towards the cave entrance.

As soon as he entered the cave's darkness, he turned around and noticed how Ash and Dawn were still outside the cave, waving like the two little idiots they were.

"Goodbye Paul!" Ash yelled, waving his hand furiously. Paul wondered why it didn't fall off yet.

"Yeah, Goodbye Paul!"

Paul's eyes widened. "Goodbye what?!" A giant metal door slammed shut, engulfing Paul in total darkness. It was so dark he couldn't see in front of his own face.

"HEY, WHAT'S GOING ON HERE?!" He shouted, hoping someone other than him was in there.

He heard a shuffle. "Hello? Who is that?"

Feeling someone hit him across the head, he fell to the ground, sparks forming in his vision. "Owww……"

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Paul woke up in the meadow where it all started, where he had agreed to the little idiot's game of Candy Mountain.

Groaning, he got up into a sitting position. "Ohh, what the hell happened?"

Feeling a slight pain near his stomach, he looked down and groaned, seeing a small stitch on his abdomen.

"Argh! They took my freakin' kidney!"

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Dawn woke up on the ground, her hand clamped to her head in pain. "Man, that's the last time I ever try eating cheese mixed with chocolate syrup and shampoo…"

Ash was just stirring on the ground besides her. "Erg…Dawn, I just had the weirdest dream…"

Dawn turned to Ash. "What do you mean?"

"I had a dream where we lured Paul to this place called Candy Mountain and we took his…" Ash's voice trailed off when he held up a very bloody kidney in his hands.

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**Notes:**

**I know skippiness isn't a word.**

**Yuki:…This came from too many hours of surfing Youtube. **

**Please review! Or else Candy mountain will get you too…Jk.**


End file.
